Sunday, March 18, 2012 ~23 Weeks 6 Days
Most days I feel good. I lay in bed for a few extra minutes to feel our baby girl bump and wiggle. Sometimes it’s hard to think she is “sick” and has Trisomy 13, because she feels happy and “normal” to me. I still sing to her nearly every day the song I’ve sung to her since before I felt her move…”You Are My Sunshine.” I can’t wait for the day that I actually get to hold her and can sing “our song” to her as I rock her gently in my arms. Another bitter sweet feeling I’m sure…as much as I wish I could stop time some days, I can’t wait for that day.
I feel like we know the facts of this diagnosis, and have resolved to “whatever happens, happens.” But I’m really not exactly sure where I am today. I had a meltdown with Chris almost 2 hours ago, but that was unrelated to the baby. I’m sure I’m in denial. Like I said, I feel like she’s ok…almost like she’ll be magically fixed. The extra chromosome will just disappear. We’ll go to our ultrasound tomorrow, and her ventricles will be smaller. The hole in the bone in her head will have fused. Her heart will have all of the proper connections. Her eyes really are developing…I again imagine what it will possibly be like to say goodbye to her, as much as I can’t understand how anything could possibly be wrong.
The love that Chris and I have for each other, and for her, is perfection. How can anything about her not be perfect? How as a mother can I not see my first baby open her eyes, smile, laugh, call me MaMa?! How can I possibly labor and give birth to her and not nourish her or stare into her big beautiful eyes and sing to her, and have her recognize that I am the one she’s waited all this time to see? How does my husband sleep next to me and not fall apart like I feel like I am? How is he strong enough to bond with our baby and know what we know? Chris is completely in my corner. He prays with and over me every morning. He’s not afraid to be vulnerable with me. He is my best friend. At my worst and at my breaking point, he chooses to hold me up and love me more. I’m thankful God brought him to me 6 1/2 years ago and groomed us and challenged us together, so that we would be strong enough and brave enough to withstand struggles and challenges that we are presented with. I Love You With All Of My Heart.