Thursday, May 17, 2012 ~ 32 Weeks 2 Days
Within the past few days, I’ve been asked by many people who have been following Sephora’s story, “How do you do it?” I’ve thought more in depth about this response since I’m being confronted with this question more frequently. My answer is not about strength. It’s not about bravery. It’s about living life. I could choose not to get out of bed every morning. I could choose not to reach out for emotional help when I need it. I could choose to take out any little bit of depression and frustration that I may have, and put it onto my husband…I may even be guilty of that some days. How do I do it you ask? How do I deal with the knowledge of the information that I have learned about our beautiful baby girl?…the fluid in her brain, deformity of her heart, lack of developed eyes, the Trisomy 13 diagnosis. I tell her story. I watch my belly move and take shapes I’ve never seen before. I spend precious hours every day with my husband, reading devotionals and listening to the recording of Sephora’s heart beating that plays inside of our teddy bear every time I squeeze it. I sit outside and enjoy “Sephora’s Garden” while our dog Maverick lays under the big tree with me as well. I focus on the positive things about her life. Some days, when the positive just isn’t enough, I sit and cry. I ache for the chance to bring her home from the hospital in 8 weeks, and to put her in the one adorable little outfit we have for her that reads “Daddy’s Girl.” I dream of holding her close to me, kissing the top of her tiny head and feet, and putting cute little flowers in the small amount of hair she has.
Then some days, when my ankles are twice the size they’re supposed to be…when sitting, standing, and laying down are no longer comfortable anymore…I look to the sky and have a conversation with God, and I’m reminded that He is in control of her story and her life. Despite my own struggles emotionally and physically, none of this is about me. Though she is a piece of the puzzle, and is helping to shape my life’s story, this is her story of life, love, and happiness. Whatever happens and however her life plays out on earth or in Heaven, I’m still the one who gets to say, “That’s my baby girl, Sephora. I’m her Mommy.” I’ll continue to sing to her every day. I’ll constantly poke her to see if her feet are still in her face…which they still are! When she’s born, even if for a short time, I’ll have peace in knowing that my baby girl experienced love from every person she has ever come into contact with for every single day of her existence.
1 Corinthians 13:7-13 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…Love will last forever!…All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely…Love Never Fails!