2 Weeks Have Passed

2 weeks ago, I was laying on the couch trying to breathe and wish away the pain in my ribs and back…which I later found out was caused by my liver.  I ended up in the hospital with severe preeclampsia, and was admitted to the hospital.  At that time, I didn’t know we’d be celebrating our precious Sephora’s birthday that night.  At times, it feels like my whole pregnancy was a dream that I woke up from.  Our baby isn’t with us at home.  The clothing we dressed her in, and the blankets that kept her warm are in a gift bag in the cradle my grandfather made for me when I was born.  We haven’t been able to go through anything in that room yet. I’m not even sure where some of the beautiful memorabilia the nursing staff made for her is at the moment.  I found the certificate from the hospital with her footprints on them on the floor.  I put it on my dresser under a book to help to flatten it out again.

Next thing on my agenda is to purchase a scrapbook, so I can start putting my weekly belly pictures and stories in, as well as some of the little papers, ultrasound photos, cards, footprints and hand prints.  Because I got so sick so fast, we were unable to meet with our photographer for our maternity session.  Moreover, I actually am pretty disappointed in my body because we had to deliver so early.  However, I’m glad we documented my belly every week–I just wish we would have the beautiful photos to add to her scrapbook and hang on the wall from a professional.

We also were unable to go back for our “re-do” of the 3D/4D ultrasound before Sephora came.  We had the ultrasound on Tuesday and Sephora was born on Friday.  I at least wanted to wait a full week so she could change position and so my parents would be home from their vacation to experience the ultrasound with us too!  Thankfully, this business offered to give us a gift certificate to come back for another ultrasound for baby #2!  I’m very grateful, however, for Sephora’s bear that plays her heartbeat.  I’ll treasure that bear forever.

As usual, I feel like I’ve been holding my breath since I woke up this morning. I try to imagine what our lives would be like if she actually would have come home with us.  We’d probably be more exhausted than we are now.  We’d hold and rock her as we sit on the couch and listen to the rain fall.  We’d walk her around our beautiful garden and teach her about all of the flowers that have been planted with love.  We’d sing to her all day, every day, and teach her about all of the different genres of music and the incredible composers and musicians that have written every song we’ve shared with her.  Instead, we sleep at night, somewhat.  We sit together on the couch and admire our garden as we continue to plant and watch our beautiful garden grow.  We love to listen to the rain, watch our wedding dvd, and sing with and to each other all day…and thankfully, we laugh!

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5

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One thought on “2 Weeks Have Passed

  1. I remember those early weeks and I just want you to know how marvelously strong and beautiful you are! I know the “holding your breath” feeling too well… I remember almost feeling like I couldnt breathe…but it did lessen over time and become easier after a long time. One thing that always blessed and continues to bless me is when Sean prays and asks God to give Joeli a hug and a kiss for us. I never even thought of asking God that…but the thought always kind of made me feel more “close” to her again. I missed her so much, I ached to hold her, but in those moments I felt like I was “close” or had a little of that “connection” to her back again.
    I remember the times we could scarcely laugh and I’m so grateful you have such a beautiful heart that can still find joy and laughter–how inspiring you truly are Bethany! Your heart is so beautiful and I’m so grateful to have had the privilige of saying Sephora’s life has blessed and challenged and inspired ME!! Thank you, for the privilege of being one of the ones who’s been touched by your story and her life. Thank you to you and Chris, for sharing her so beautifully with so many! I love you guys and I do continue to ask God to fill your home and hearts with Love, peace, strength, hope and joy.

    Love,
    Ab

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