Yesterday was not a good day. I don’t think we’ve cried that much since the day we got the Trisomy 13 diagnosis. We got to church later than usual…which frustrated me. I had called the church earlier in the week to notify them of Sephora’s birth and passing, and had requested both announcements be placed in the bulletin for this week. Only her passing was printed. This infuriated me! Maybe they didn’t feel it was appropriate to put both in. Maybe they thought it would hurt our feelings to see her birth and death printed at the same time. I told them what I wanted. I spelled her full name, gave them her birth date and the day she passed, and it wasn’t completed to my satisfaction. This is the first time I can say I wanted nothing more than to run out of church. I sat in my chair, I felt my heart race, my blood began to boil, and I crossed my arms and pouted through the entire service. What I really wanted to do was to run up on stage and scream at the top of my lungs that our BABY was born and passed away. I didn’t want the announcement of her passing to be brushed off like everyone elses. She was a BABY. I got sick! She was born early! She had a lethal diagnosis! I feel she should have received a little more attention! She at least deserved to have her first and middle name in the program! That didn’t even happen!
As we were refilling our coffee cups ready to leave the building, Dr. Lorah, our NICU specialist, came to my side and hugged me. Seeing him helped to calm my spirit a little bit. As Chris drove us home, my emotions were everywhere. I was happy to see Dr. Lorah, but I was still mad about Sephora’s name in the bulletin. Very shortly after leaving the parking lot, I started to cry. Why was this? Grief? Post-partum hormones? Sadness? Anger?
Today, Kenna, a friend of mine since elementary school, came over for a few hours. She came in, sat down, and handed me a box to open. I looked at her while feeling the tears start to form and said, “I don’t want to cry anymore today!” She just laughed as she watched me open it. I looked at Chris, and he looked as though he was preparing to need a box of tissues too. Kenna prefaced the gift by saying, “I wanted to contribute to Sephora’s Garden.” Inside of the box was a large flat stone with a beautiful poem. It reads:
“If Love alone could have spared you…you would have lived forever.” Sephora Angeline 5-18-2012
We all are human and we all need to be vulnerable enough to open ourselves up to others, and feel whatever it is that we need to feel. I’m thankful for all of our loving family, friends, and blog followers that continue to send us messages, cards, phone calls, and prayers. Thank you also for embracing our vulnerability and continuing to love us every day. I never thought this process would be easy, but I never realized it would be so hard.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
I have always read this scripture and thanked God, not only for my husband, but my true and loyal friends of old and new.