Grief

“Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.” -Grey’s Anatomy

It’s difficult to put into words how I actually feel. I walk around my house all day and feel completely normal on most days, contrary to what my husband actually witnesses I’m sure. I feel like I’ve done most of my grieving months ago, when we heard Sephora had Trisomy 13. I cried. I screamed. I was so angry, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I wished I could have done something to save her. As I sit here and write this, I do feel depressed. I’m not hungry. I’d really like to just lay on the couch with my husband and do nothing for the rest of the day. I do know that doing nothing would make me feel worse. I hate that this feeling comes and goes at its own leisure. Last night, my husband and I sat on our deck enjoying the cool summer air and our new tiki torches. While we took that time to sit outside together, I realized just how differently we both are handling our grief. I feel most days, I’m not “dealing” at all. On the days I feel like I have found peace in the final stage of acceptance, the cycle hits me like a ton of bricks all over again! When we finally came together to just sit and let our minds relax, I was able to talk to him without being interrupted…and I cried. I suppose as I walk around and talk to people about our experience with Sephora, I may just be going through the motions. When my mind is calm and feels safe enough to be vulnerable, the tears finally come barreling through like a giant wave crashing on the sand. Sometimes it just feels so good to cry!

Our baby girl would have been 4 weeks old today. By now, she would have known whether or not Mama was holding her. She still would be sleeping in a cradle or bassinet next to our bed. We probably would be begging for a nap or two during the day. We would have taken her on many walks with our dog, Maverick. We also would have taken her to my parents house to listen to all of the different birds as they sing their beautiful songs and fly from tree to tree behind their house. I do miss her. I feel like some memories are slowly slipping away. I’m thankful for the time we were able to spend with her while she was alive. I just wish we could have had more time. I don’t want to be greedy. We had many great months feeling her move and hiccup in my tummy. The 4 hours and 35 minutes that we were able to spend with her was the icing on the cake. I do go through the pictures and video of her little cry that we have when I start to feel I’m forgetting details about her.

2 Corinthians 4:18 ~ “So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”

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