Archive | September 2012

I’ll Love You Forever

My precious little Sephora…I’ll love you forever.

I have to admit, seeing and having the opportunity to hold babies the same age as Sephora, is such a peaceful and humbling experience.  Looking at what these little babies are able to do, makes we wonder what Sephora would have done.  Could she smile, coo, and laugh?  Maybe she would almost be rolling over by now.  I certainly hope by 4 months old, she’d be sleeping through the night.  I can imagine walking into her bedroom in the early morning, listening to her talk to herself, peeking my head over the top of her crib, and receiving the biggest grin and squeal of excitement coming from her tiny little body.  At this point, I can only live vicariously through other little children, and dream of what life with our precious little Sephora would be like.  Dream…that really is all I can do.  I have an empty cradle, the blankets she was wrapped in, the one outfit she wore, hand and footprints, beautiful gifts from friends and family to remember her by, and her tiny little container of ashes.  For 4 months, we have gone through all of her precious memorial items and photos.  After 4 months, I can’t help but miss her more.

The other night, I had a dream about 2 beautiful yellow butterflies that somehow managed to follow me into my work building.  I was in awe of their beauty, and just followed them around as they so peacefully flew in the air.  To my astonishment and anger, a woman in my dream (who I didn’t know), stood up and swatted one of the butterflies out of the air, and it very dramatically dropped to the ground and died.  I screamed at this mysterious woman so viciously for killing this helpless butterfly.  A few seconds later, my boss told me I was completely out of line, and she fired me.  After sharing this dream with my husband, he looked and me and said, “Well, it’s very obvious what this dream means to me.  You still have some, completely understandably, unresolved issues with the passing of Sephora to a force that you had absolutely no control over.”  I suppose in some ways my issues are not resolved.  My infant daughter died.  There was nothing I could do to save her, as much as I wanted to.  I couldn’t protect her.  All I could do was love her.  Love her, is what I did.

Matthew 5:4

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Almost 4 Months Without Her

In a few days, we will celebrate Sephora’s 4 month birthday.  It is difficult to fathom that much time has passed.  As I sit and reflect overlooking Sephora’s Garden today, I try to remember everything we experienced with her.  I try to remember every tiny, little detail because today, I feel almost like the pregnancy didn’t happen.  It is difficult to remember what it actually felt like to hold her.  I wish I could magically take her ashes off the shelf and recreate her again…If for only a moment I could cradle her in my arms.  Thankfully, we have many pictures, a couple of videos, her clothing, blankets, and molds of her hands and feet to remember her by.

When we first designed Sephora’s Garden, we had a very beat up bench to sit on to admire it.  We really couldn’t even sit on it because of how worn and cracked the wood was.  My dad was nice enough to take the bench and fix every part of it!  I finally can sit and write my blogs, while sitting on the bench, and overlooking Sephora’s Garden.  I love when our family and friends come up with beautiful and creative ways to remember our precious baby girl.  Our Sephora Angeline.  Thanks Dad, for fixing our bench, and turning it into something absolutely beautiful!

Psalm 103:17: But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children-

I’ll Carry You In My Heart Forever

Ephesians 3:20 ” Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

I’ve heard many people say, “Children are blessings and miracles from God.”  What ultimately does that mean?  Do most actually believe that statement?  Or is that statement just something we are taught to say and take for granted?  Through our marriage, getting pregnant, being excited about our pregnancy, having our 1st ultrasound and being told everything looked great, having our 2nd ultrasound and being told our baby wasn’t going to live, getting sick with preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome, giving birth to our baby, holding Sephora in our arms, singing to her, and then giving her back to God to take back to Heaven, I’d say we’ve come out as good as we can be under the circumstances.  We are living our lives, grieving the life of our daughter, and believing through our story, lives will be changed around us.  I’ve spoken about how we’ve been able to come out on the other side, but what does that look like?  To the average person, we look like a “normal,” newlywed couple.  We have a house and a dog.  We go to church, connect with our life group and friends, and work to pay our bills.

I believe Sephora was given to us to change lives.  She was given to us to teach others what it means to love, and to be loved.  She was given to us so other families could come out from the woodwork and speak openly about their own babies that were taken from this world too soon.  She was given to us to help these families to grieve more openly through the example of our story.  Sephora has opened the door to a whole new world we never knew existed.  I never knew Sephora’s life could create such a spiritual awakening in those around us.  We are part of the “club that nobody wants to be in.”  Unfortunately, we are not alone in that club.  Although Sephora Angeline is in Heaven, her spirit is with me always.  I’ve been told others have experienced her spirit around them as well.  We love our precious daughter and will carry her in our hearts forever.