My precious little Sephora…I’ll love you forever.
I have to admit, seeing and having the opportunity to hold babies the same age as Sephora, is such a peaceful and humbling experience. Looking at what these little babies are able to do, makes we wonder what Sephora would have done. Could she smile, coo, and laugh? Maybe she would almost be rolling over by now. I certainly hope by 4 months old, she’d be sleeping through the night. I can imagine walking into her bedroom in the early morning, listening to her talk to herself, peeking my head over the top of her crib, and receiving the biggest grin and squeal of excitement coming from her tiny little body. At this point, I can only live vicariously through other little children, and dream of what life with our precious little Sephora would be like. Dream…that really is all I can do. I have an empty cradle, the blankets she was wrapped in, the one outfit she wore, hand and footprints, beautiful gifts from friends and family to remember her by, and her tiny little container of ashes. For 4 months, we have gone through all of her precious memorial items and photos. After 4 months, I can’t help but miss her more.
The other night, I had a dream about 2 beautiful yellow butterflies that somehow managed to follow me into my work building. I was in awe of their beauty, and just followed them around as they so peacefully flew in the air. To my astonishment and anger, a woman in my dream (who I didn’t know), stood up and swatted one of the butterflies out of the air, and it very dramatically dropped to the ground and died. I screamed at this mysterious woman so viciously for killing this helpless butterfly. A few seconds later, my boss told me I was completely out of line, and she fired me. After sharing this dream with my husband, he looked and me and said, “Well, it’s very obvious what this dream means to me. You still have some, completely understandably, unresolved issues with the passing of Sephora to a force that you had absolutely no control over.” I suppose in some ways my issues are not resolved. My infant daughter died. There was nothing I could do to save her, as much as I wanted to. I couldn’t protect her. All I could do was love her. Love her, is what I did.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.