31 Weeks, 5 Days… 58 Days To Go!

As we draw closer and closer to Miles’ due date and Sephora’s birthday, I’m finding that my subconscious is becoming more and more fearful of repeating the past.  Pregnancy definitely makes you dream some crazy things sometimes, but waking up in a panic and silently crying to myself is becoming more frequent these days.  At every doctor appointment we attend, they assure me that our precious little Miles is healthy and growing as perfectly as any parent could hope for.  My inner most being knows that he’s going to be ok, because of the amount of time he spends moving around in my belly, and by the way he responds when I sing to him.  Singing seems to keep him calm, just like his big sister, our angel baby in Heaven, Sephora Angeline.  My dreams remind me how quickly life can be taken away from us.  They reveal to me my inner most insecurities about motherhood.  They also reveal to me how much I love my children.  Although Sephora only lived for 4 1/2 hours, I spent her whole life with her.  Every movement, every hiccup, every kick, every ultrasound, her tiny whimper and cry, her beautiful curly dark brown hair, her tiny hands and feet…everything.  I miss her terribly today.  I’m thankful to be spending my morning remembering her, and singing to Miles about her.  I’m reminded of the love I had and still have for her as I browse through her memory box and cry over top of her hand and foot prints.  I remember how scary the day of her birth was, but how anxious we felt to finally get the opportunity to cradle her in our arms.

Miles is due in 58 days.  As each day passes, the anticipation of his arrival heightens.  As I speak to my friends and family, I’m finding that they are all just as excited for his arrival, if not more than me!  We all really lived through Sephora’s life and passing together.  She helped to change and mold us all.  She walked us through an experience that not many people could recover from.  She loved all that loved her, and that’s all she knew.  Love.  I pray Miles understands how wonderful his purpose for this Earth is to be, and how beautiful Sephora’s life was to all who knew her and her life’s story.  These crazy dreams of Miles being ripped from my arms to never be seen again will eventually go away.  I do know one thing…Miles will not be leaving my arms for a very long time after he is born.  …The unconditional love of a mother is a beautiful thing.  That’s exactly what Miles will experience for his whole life as well.  Love.  Unconditional Love.

1 Corinthians 13:7  NLT  – Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…love never fails!

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3 thoughts on “31 Weeks, 5 Days… 58 Days To Go!

  1. Hello–
    I found your lovely blog while doing a search on the trisonomy mutations– friends of mine are expecting a little one soon who carries 13, and thus they are preparing both for her birth and her passing. Your strength and grace are truly inspiring. As a mother who has also endured loss(and then welcomed healthy children) I’m sending lots of love your way. One of the gifts of Sephora is that you will be a lot less inclined to “sweat the small stuff” with baby Miles– I remember a friend in my new mom’s group complaining about sleep deprivation. I was also sleep-deprived of course, but I also remember deeply appreciating the fact I was awake all night because my baby was crying and needing me, as opposed to being awake all night crying with grief. This doesn’t mean you won’t have your moments when you wish the baby would just go to sleep already :)– (we are all only human!) but you will find those moments easier to bear, I suspect.

    Best,
    Sarah

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