Sunday, May 18, 2014
This weekend was one of the most challenging weekends to get through, in my more recent days. The day Sephora was born was definitely scary. I was so sick…my husband tells me I was actually dying. Sephora was being taken from us 8 weeks earlier than we’d planned for. It was a whirlwind of a day filled with intense stress, fear, excitement, sadness, and anticipation. After we’d been told they were giving me a c-section, so Sephora had a chance to survive for a few minutes, we just held each other and cried. Our friends and family that were with us that day left the room, but all did the exact same thing. They circled the room and prayed for anything that they thought we may have needed for comfort.
Sephora’s birth was extremely overwhelming. Diana, a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer, joined us in the OR to capture every moment of her life outside of my body. When Sephora was born, they took her to the warming table to quickly warm her up, dry her off, and administer a little oxygen. When the oxygen didn’t work, (she was still very blue), my husband carried her over to me and placed her on my chest so I could experience a few seconds with her alive. After saying hello and kissing her forehead, I did exactly what I did to comfort her every single day while I was pregnant. I sang to her.
Sephora’s baby brother was born 9 days before her 1st birthday (2013.) We walked through “Sephora’s Garden” and celebrated with a few friends who decided to come over. It was small, quiet, and peaceful…just like her.
Sephora’s 1st Birthday
For Sephora’s 2nd birthday, we enjoyed the beautiful day as a family. We didn’t do too much actually. I’m not certain why this birthday was so much more emotionally difficult than her first. May it is because many people have moved on. Most have forgotten about her, or don’t talk about her as much as before. Why should I expect anyone to remember? She isn’t here anymore. That’s just it though!! She isn’t physically here. Those who weren’t in the thick of the experience with us are busy remembering dates for their own children. …and that’s ok! I wish more people talked about her. I wish more people remembered. I wish her story impacted more lives. Maybe one day it will. Until then…I’ll keep talking about her, looking for little signs that her spirit still surrounds us, and wishing she was still on earth with us.
I’m not sure when it happened. I’m not sure when I stopped thinking it was fun. I’m not sure I’m happy. I’m not sure why it is such a big deal. I’m not sure why I feel this way…
…Until Mother’s Day came.
As social media becomes filled with anthems for the “love of moms,” I reflected and spoke my thoughts out loud to determine my inner issue. I don’t feel like Mother’s Day is such a big deal. “Happy Mother’s Day,” I hear while I’m doing some last minute shopping for our 2nd child’s 1st birthday party. I respond with a quick, “Thanks,” and keep on going. I suppose I should be “happy” to be “honored” on Mother’s Day.
2 years ago on Mother’s Day, we went to church, and I was handed a red rose for being a 32 week pregnant “Mom.” Sephora was due in another 8 weeks. We had no idea that we’d be celebrating our daughter’s birthday 5 days later.
On this day, 2 years ago, we were blessed with a 3D/4D ultrasound from Sustaining Grace, where we received a recording of Sephora’s heart beat inside of a teddy bear. I was so happy to be able to get a glimpse of her, knowing our time with her was running short.She was still cozy and safe inside of my body.
I feel this way because she isn’t here. A part of me is missing. I don’t feel her like I used to. There are not an over-abundance of butterflies this year. I don’t see much of her signs anymore. The only sign of her that I see every day, is the dimple on her brother’s face.
I feel so scatter-brained. I can’t think straight. My heart aches for my daughter today, and there is nothing I can do to bring her back to me. She may be watching over me, but I can’t feel her! I JUST WANT TO FEEL HER SPIRIT!!!
30 weeks (Sephora)
I had no idea that this would be one of my last weeks of pregnancy with our precious little Sephora. We had reached the 30 week mark, and I had decided to try on some cute maxi dresses to get me through the summer until Sephora’s due date in July. 2 weeks and 3 days later, her short life flashed right in front of us. Just like that…she was gone. Trisomy 13. Incompatible with life. That diagnosis makes my skin crawl.
40 weeks (Miles)
Fast forward to May 1, 2013… It was my due date with our little rainbow baby, Miles. The sun was shining and warm on my face. It was a beautiful day to welcome our little boy, but he had other plans. He decided to choose his own birthday, and arrived 8 days later!
2014… Miles is walking! He brings us such joy. The dimple on his face shows me glimpses of the love his big sister has for him every single day. Who wouldn’t want a permanent Angel’s kiss on their cheek for their lifetime?!
I can’t believe he will be 1 year old next week! What is even harder to wrap my brain around, is Sephora would have been 2 years old this year! Time certainly flies!