I’m not sure when it happened. I’m not sure when I stopped thinking it was fun. I’m not sure I’m happy. I’m not sure why it is such a big deal. I’m not sure why I feel this way…
…Until Mother’s Day came.
As social media becomes filled with anthems for the “love of moms,” I reflected and spoke my thoughts out loud to determine my inner issue. I don’t feel like Mother’s Day is such a big deal. “Happy Mother’s Day,” I hear while I’m doing some last minute shopping for our 2nd child’s 1st birthday party. I respond with a quick, “Thanks,” and keep on going. I suppose I should be “happy” to be “honored” on Mother’s Day.
2 years ago on Mother’s Day, we went to church, and I was handed a red rose for being a 32 week pregnant “Mom.” Sephora was due in another 8 weeks. We had no idea that we’d be celebrating our daughter’s birthday 5 days later.
On this day, 2 years ago, we were blessed with a 3D/4D ultrasound from Sustaining Grace, where we received a recording of Sephora’s heart beat inside of a teddy bear. I was so happy to be able to get a glimpse of her, knowing our time with her was running short.She was still cozy and safe inside of my body.
I feel this way because she isn’t here. A part of me is missing. I don’t feel her like I used to. There are not an over-abundance of butterflies this year. I don’t see much of her signs anymore. The only sign of her that I see every day, is the dimple on her brother’s face.
I feel so scatter-brained. I can’t think straight. My heart aches for my daughter today, and there is nothing I can do to bring her back to me. She may be watching over me, but I can’t feel her! I JUST WANT TO FEEL HER SPIRIT!!!