Mother’s Day Came Again

I’m not sure when it happened.  I’m not sure when I stopped thinking it was fun.  I’m not sure I’m happy.  I’m not sure why it is such a big deal.  I’m not sure why I feel this way…

…Until Mother’s Day came.

As social media becomes filled with anthems for the “love of moms,” I reflected and spoke my thoughts out loud to determine my inner issue.  I don’t feel like Mother’s Day is such a big deal.  “Happy Mother’s Day,” I hear while I’m doing some last minute shopping for our 2nd child’s 1st birthday party.  I respond with a quick, “Thanks,” and keep on going.  I suppose I should be “happy” to be “honored” on Mother’s Day.

2 years ago on Mother’s Day, we went to church, and I was handed a red rose for being a 32 week pregnant “Mom.”  Sephora was due in another 8 weeks.  We had no idea that we’d be celebrating our daughter’s birthday 5 days later.

On this day, 2 years ago, we were blessed with a 3D/4D ultrasound from Sustaining Grace, where we received a recording of Sephora’s heart beat inside of a teddy bear.  I was so happy to be able to get a glimpse of her, knowing our time with her was running short.She was still cozy and safe inside of my body.

I feel this way because she isn’t here.  A part of me is missing.  I don’t feel her like I used to.  There are not an over-abundance of butterflies this year.  I don’t see much of her signs anymore.  The only sign of her that I see every day, is the dimple on her brother’s face.

I feel so scatter-brained.  I can’t think straight.  My heart aches for my daughter today, and there is nothing I can do to bring her back to me.  She may be watching over me, but I can’t feel her!  I JUST WANT TO FEEL HER SPIRIT!!!

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