The Day We Learned Our Perfect Pregnancy Wasn’t Perfect Anymore

As I reflect on my life over the last 6 years, I often wonder what it would be like to have 4 living children on Earth. Can you imagine? They’d be 5, 4, 2, and 1 right now.

I remember telling all of our friends and family that we were pregnant at Christmas-time. I remember feeling those first movements. I remember the expressions on the faces of anyone feeling our baby move inside of my belly. I remember the excitement and anticipation of the beloved 20 week ultrasound appointment to find out the sex our of baby. I also remember how dreadfully awful I felt when leaving that appointment.

I had planned our entire day prior to our appointment. Gym, work, lunch, appointment, dinner with my parents at my house to celebrate and tell them if we were having a boy or girl…

The first thing we found out at our appointment… It’s a girl! I don’t think I stopped smiling during the entire scan. We were beyond excited to meet this little girl in 5 short months. I couldn’t think about anything else!

…and then, my perfect day turned awful. Our perfect little girl, our first born, wasn’t perfect on the inside. We left this appointment in tears, after learning she had several severe abnormalities that couldn’t be explained at that time.

2 days later, we’d learn she possibly would be born brain dead. Her heart possibly wouldn’t be strong enough to pump her blood effectively throughout her body. She’d be blind, because she never developed eyes.

1 week after this, we’d learn her exact diagnosis. Trisomy 13. She in fact, would die after she was born, if she didn’t die before then. I spent the next 12 weeks celebrating and grieving her very short life, not knowing she’d be born 8 weeks before she was due.

For today, I remember the good things, look through her box of memories, and look for signs from her when I need them. I couldn’t believe I actually saw a butterfly before I finished writing today. A sign from my sweet angel. It warmed my heart and made me smile.

Until your birthday, my Beautiful Angel…❤️

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