Tag Archive | Sephora’s Birthday

Mother’s Day Came Again

I’m not sure when it happened.  I’m not sure when I stopped thinking it was fun.  I’m not sure I’m happy.  I’m not sure why it is such a big deal.  I’m not sure why I feel this way…

…Until Mother’s Day came.

As social media becomes filled with anthems for the “love of moms,” I reflected and spoke my thoughts out loud to determine my inner issue.  I don’t feel like Mother’s Day is such a big deal.  “Happy Mother’s Day,” I hear while I’m doing some last minute shopping for our 2nd child’s 1st birthday party.  I respond with a quick, “Thanks,” and keep on going.  I suppose I should be “happy” to be “honored” on Mother’s Day.

2 years ago on Mother’s Day, we went to church, and I was handed a red rose for being a 32 week pregnant “Mom.”  Sephora was due in another 8 weeks.  We had no idea that we’d be celebrating our daughter’s birthday 5 days later.

On this day, 2 years ago, we were blessed with a 3D/4D ultrasound from Sustaining Grace, where we received a recording of Sephora’s heart beat inside of a teddy bear.  I was so happy to be able to get a glimpse of her, knowing our time with her was running short.She was still cozy and safe inside of my body.

I feel this way because she isn’t here.  A part of me is missing.  I don’t feel her like I used to.  There are not an over-abundance of butterflies this year.  I don’t see much of her signs anymore.  The only sign of her that I see every day, is the dimple on her brother’s face.

I feel so scatter-brained.  I can’t think straight.  My heart aches for my daughter today, and there is nothing I can do to bring her back to me.  She may be watching over me, but I can’t feel her!  I JUST WANT TO FEEL HER SPIRIT!!!

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Capture Your Grief 2013, Day 9: Music

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Sephora, I sang to her every day.  The one song that I would repeat to my belly over and over again was “You Are My Sunshine.”  When arriving at the hospital and being diagnosed with preeclampsia and severe HELLP Syndrome, we knew that day, Friday, May 18, 2012 was going to be Sephora’s birthday.  When we were told I’d be taken back for a c-section, my husband sat on the hospital bed next to me and cried.  She was taken from us 8 weeks earlier than we had planned.  We didn’t know what God had in store for us and how long she would live.  We held our breath until I felt them pull her from my belly and rush her over to the drying/warming table.  All I remember is wanted to see her!  Little did I know, Sephora wasn’t doing very well.  They had dried her quickly and gave her a little bit of oxygen, but she wasn’t responding to their treatment.  The nurse told my husband to rush Sephora over to me because she thought we would only have seconds with her, and she knew how important it was for me to hold her.  He held Sephora close enough for me to kiss her.  When I started singing to her on the operating table, her color started to get better, and she even started to cry a little!  She recognized my voice and was comforted by the song she had heard every day.